Counter-Counter facepalm. Invalid credit card can not be leaked.
I crave the thought
I am just a burden, I am someone with potential that is plagued by mental illness. That is tl; dr if anyone cares. I am someone who is bipolar, yes I'm on medication, yes I take it, yes I have taken it today. I do not want any comments as it drives the anger in me more. I want to say first any thoughts or response is appreciated if anyone feels it is worth the energy or time.
I feel as life is coming to a end. I am so ready to go out I crave death. I feel it inside me and my heart races at the thought of suicide. I have bipolar and ptsd. I have suffered as long as I can remember. My parents spent a decade telling me I need medication, I need counseling blahblahblah and they never did anything. My parents are wealthy, yet they couldnt do anything to help me. My mother is a narccisistic personality and my dad has essentially been depressed and on medication since he married my mother. Around early teenage years or shall I say tweens I started more or less rapid cycling and the pain came unreal. My mother was always with my sister - essentially never around. My dad would come around and acknowledge me in some intervals of time but was mainly absent. Anything I have ever said is disregaurded, shot down, invalidated..etc. I would be have a panic attack and my parents would tell me I have gas and to shut up. If anything was wrong they would shut me down and had degrading nicknames for me. I was restricted from eating, my mother would even hide groceries in her closet. It's not like they couldn't afford food. I grew up in a multi million dollar home and we had a second home as well. My mother is so focused on what anyone eats it is unbelieveable. Whenever I ate something as a kid my mother or father as well would be on my ass. They would tell me if I eat a sandwich I would turn into the sandwich. My mother would go out of her way to embarass me and put me down. In high school I ended up smoking a ton of weed. It helped me a lot. It relieved the suffering. I grew up in a room in the south USA that was like a boiler room. The a/c unit did not push air into my room. I was sleep deprived and miserable, top that with hunger, it brought me even more distress and issues. My father would walk into my room very rarely and would say omg this is unhealthy. If I asked to do something about it he would say no it isn't. Everything I have ever said is either countered, invalidated or disregaurded. It has brought me insane pain. I ended up in a shit hole rehab at 18 and was forced to live in halfway houses for a year of my life. I was in drug dens and it was a living hell. On and off I have been in rehab at least 6 times, ended up shooting heroin and speed. Things got bad. Since 18 I have been in and out of psychiatric wards and rehabs. 2 years ago I met this girl. She was a sweet girl, she happened to have a drug problem and suffers from BPD. She had a meltdown and did what she could to turn me out on drugs. I ended up homeless and my car stolen.. she nearly drove me into my grave. She ended up freaking out and dropped off by the rehab at a homeless shelter. She ended up on the street and in prostitution from this pimp who beat her down. It haunts me everyday. She ended up getting help and back in the city I live in. I was there for her everyday. I talked to her parents doing anything I could to help her. In the midst of all that I relapsed and ended up on subutex. I have my own apartment.. A penthouse and it is very expensive. My parents are moving and I feel like a piece of shit. I went to start a business for a income and was instantly shot down by my family. For someone who has struggled their whole life it would leave anyone speechless when I try to do something for myself. I also crashed my car and ended up on suboxone because I relapsed in the midsts of the ex girlfriend being homeless. After she beat the shit out of me in a public place she went to jail and when she got out she said what she could to break me down. It got to a point her mother pays for me to see a psychologist/therapist whatever, as frequently as I want- essentially forever. They come from incredible wealth. Unimaginable to most. I have improved a lot but I am very unstable.
As of today I am broke, stuck on suboxone and just feel as my life as over. The pain of the past doesnt go. It is with me everyday. My mother hasnt talked to me in years and any other relationship is broken. My father has put more money towards my housing and given me more money then what most American households make in a year. I feel like a piece of shit. My lease ends quite soon and I am ready to go out. There is nothing for me. I've never really had a job, have nothing. I am sitting here typing this in a penthouse apartment. I have not seen my family in years. Nobody. I dont have any friends. Sometimes I see this girl but she did something really odd and I dont really want to see her anymore. Essentially there is nobody around. I have no criminal record and want to get a glock or something and shoot myself. I have watched videos of people hanging themselves and it seams painful. I have thought about slicing a few arteries. There will be nobody around as I bleed out. I was also thinking about taking a uber out to an area outside of the city and going for a hike at one of my favorite spots that is secluded to take care of what needs to be done.
In conclusion of this blabber, I dont even know why I am writing this. I see my psycologists in a few days, and a pschiatrist. If I verbalize this I will be put in a psychiatric ward. I crave death inside me. I want it. It is hard to describe the feeling. I am borderline crazy, I may go hypo-manic in 20 minutes and love life and crash back into this hell. That is the summary of my life, mental illness, addiction. My putrid existence. If you have read a sentence or this whole thing. Remember you do have a heart in you. If you read this for the strength to end suffering as well, know we share similar thoughts.
Edit: I'm also bullimic, just another day in hell. Nobody would no due to how fit I am. I actually have lost my voice from it. Can't talk well.
submitted by Icravethethought